Christmas day -- obviously. Was awoken around 9pm by family clatter besides Greta in living room. Mother after hearing V speak of it impulsively made french toast in this hurried and untimely manner that is so specific to her. Of course we would not wait for presents while eating toast that was probably too wet so we went to the living room.
It is so difficult and awkward being arround these people. Mother who I used to feel so close to feels like someone who my time is so limitied with now. The language barrier, while hardly there still makes it difficult to feel entirely close to her. Same with all who I'd rather not speaking english to. It feels like a cop out to speak english but instead sometimes I wont even bother to converse.
Like life, it's a burden I'm not sure I would have chosen if I had the choice but we try our best to embrace it.
Mentally it is not safe in this house. Something about it puts V and I at odds with eachother. Any sort of autonomy--free will really--feels impossible where we see our parents worst features and quirks passed down to us. My huge nose, allergies, stutter. V's complete lack of self awareness, empathy and ability to compromise. It's uncanny.
It often feels like my potential is limited by these people. Especially dad. Never have I gotten genuine advice from him. It feels like I'm bound to repeat the same mistakes as him. The same microhabits. How could I have been an athlete or success if all he ever did was sit on his computer in the living room, couldn't even be bothered to hide it. It's shameful. He tells me ways to save money. Completely unhelpful. He makes me uncomfortable trying to touch me. It makes me scared I'll be the same way with others when looking for sympathy. It's so hard to remind myself no one has this knowledge of my roots. I feel like a monster sometimes. Seeing V interact with Dad certianly doesn't make it any easier to interact with girls. I tr y to think rationally about my feelings toward dad. I try to sympathise but it is just so hard not to have a jerk reaction. He never pushed me out of any comfort zone.
Telling people merry christmas--that is also quite much. I don't really feel like elaborating. It all feels so tiresome without adderall. Hopefully what they say is true, that it'll be possible without someday. Like in limitless when the effects just end up being permanent. Wouldn't that be nice. Watching that shit tv at home that would look so much better in 24 fps. It's so hard to stop watching. I hate when I hang with people and just watch something because it feels we've never properly learned how to socialize.
Sometimes a shout obscenities in irony and no one understands and makes me feel like a monster. I guess I'm getting what I asked for but still feels silly. Waiting for the next person to understand me. A lot of these people I try to chase--- Vy or Ie etc. etc. I just can't say really get me. S was close but something else just didn't work there. Focusing so much on my appearance these days.