I've felt so lazy today and yesterday it's ridiculous. Taking some adderall but not even sure how much that's going to be helping. I feel like I'm on this pendullum waving form "the future is in your hands" to "this body is your prison". It's so hard to say whats wrong. DJJ seems like a bust and thats going to mean a lot more work. I feel like I'm at a roadblock for commodities work but it really does seem exciting to me. I don't know what to do. I try to remain optimistic. I should write down more of the fleeting thoughts and emotions that come to me but these devices stop me. I'm not sure if I should learn to code or speak or what may it be. I need to remember I am the only one who seems me for what I am and this will be to my advantage. While I have unlimited perspective through my eyes, with each failure pummeling my will, I can keep these shortcomings hidden and act as though each one of my moves is purposeful.
There will be a way out of this and my destiny certainly awaits. I am not a waste of life male that consumes youtube video essays or American Psycho and Ryan Gosling movies, nor will I marry early complacent with a job that does not make me a master of my environment. I will not have the world in the palm of my hand, nor will I be under it's boot. I will come out of this with a monument to my accomplishments for the greater spirit of mankind.
If I had the choice to remove myself from the equation for the sake of a greater cosmic benefit I should hope I refuse. Unless there is a way for me to selfishly acknowledge this accomplishment, for this to be a proactive action. Not like Bruce Willis killing himself in looper. I would have to have mastered something. Molded myself into that which I could not achieve from birth. I don't think this is all about leaving a legacy actually, rather proving to myself that I can. If that means in the grand scheme of things a dynasty, or monument, okay.
The mediocrity of those around me is resounding. I know that I may equally be perceived as the sam to an all-seeing eye, it cannot be internal. I cannot give up. I told Jordan I am lazy. I am mediocre. I gained praise at a young age for being the clay of my mother's mold. Lauded by those living lower-middle class lives on a decadent Long Island. I say n0w, sitting at the table I sat with Dorian, and Ha, and Andrew, that I can be more than all of you. If a shortcut presents itself, I must take it, but only to recalibrate and set off unot a new domain. This very act--how I do love self acknowledgement, and how often it does fail me with later perspective!--is a cry for help but I must hope this cry stays between you and me. And I know that I will break free. That our time here is short. Failure upon failure these last few years. I must continue to reasses. Understand my options. Could I herd sheep in the Greek Balkans? Would that do it? This game has been afront of me and the odds, are very much fair. I have to overcome my addictions, my vices. An extreme solution is not one at all.
One percent better every day. One percent. That would do it.
