1/5/2022

When I was young I was terribly prone to nightmares. Mom told me I would stand up on top of the bed in the middle of the night screaming. My bedtime was so ritualistic; I had to be facing the right wall, use the right bed, right light, have mom sit with me, you name it. I've escaped the fear of sleep that once consumed me only to lose presence in the moment. My dreams and nightmares have become replaced with ambiguity. The novelty of childhood, thoughts of dancing with G. C. who I realized was the same girl months earlier we'd encountered at the cut. Even conquering the ender/slenderman who cornered me in a bathroom stall. The willpower of waking myself up before the scare felt unreal. These days ocean waves will be a comfort, meanwhile some social shame of getting caught doing what everyone else does represents the nightmares.

Sitting on couch saturday or sunday around age of 13 on phone play a gen 3 pokemon game emulated on phone. Thinking that this is one of the last such innocent moments I can have.