So I have glasses now. I don't think they're as much of game changer as much so as I though they would be. I'm headed in the right direction though. I'm reading Taipei by Tao Lin right now. I've read more in the last couple days then I usually do in months. I relate so much to Paul, the awkwardness of his interactions with everyone is spot on to my own experience. It's a relief knowing that this is a shared experience, and that in fact, it is likely reciprocated by people I hold in high regard.

I'm trying so hard to replicate my childhood wonder. I don't think my brain works as well as it used to. My memory especially fails me these days. I want to maintain this confidence in myself that I should theoretically obtain as an adult, meanwhile having the same sense of novelty and curiosity as my child self. I think changing locations and socializing and health will contribute, but I fundamentally need to rearrange the way I process my thoughts. I'm comforted by some sort of fallacy I saw online, where people recognize they've changed in their past to become who they are now, but fear they won't be able to in the future. It's hard to tell if I'm depressed somewhat and I just need summer, or if genuinely my lifestyle of occasional weed, drinking and adderall is failing me. I want every single moment to be cherish-able. To remember names and people like I used to. Like it was my only job in the world to know whats going on around me.

And I've been thinking this constantly for months now. I hope I can become different from Paul. I'm writing this more as a milestone to what I once was. Is writing a cop out for my memory? Why did I start writing those memories down all those years ago? 

I still dream about Sarah B or Nick or Jack once in a while. I still remember the magic the RC brought to the classroom making it ridiculous but also tolerable in the dull moments. But honestly someone like Sarah E, who I know was so influential in my attitudes--which I acknowledge almost daily--I hardly remember my actual interactions with. And I'm disappointment that most contact has been lost but I don't want to forget. It feels ridiculous. If memories are as they say, not physiological and rather waves constantly generating, I hope it can just be a function I exercise.