Inertia

I'm almost 20 now. I've spend the last 3 months obsessing over my health. I've never been more fit, perhaps even more tan. I've bought so many supplements, many of which I'm not sure if they work at all.  Allegedly my gut has been poisoning me for something like 4 years, wherein bacteria from my colon lingers in my small intenstine. The result is a broken down blood-brain barrier that has left me especially weak to environmental toxins; glyphosate, heavy metals, microplastics, etc. I have had nearly 10 liters of Fiji water in the last 3 days under the theory that this can remove the aluminum from my brain. I started to have this fear during covid that I wouldn't be able to remember my childhood as an adult. I began recording myself, writing things down, saving memes which I delete years later. Last year I failed to recall my great friend Anuj's name when speaking to Tony. Was I in my own head? I've been frustrated with doctors my whole life. 

I've begun to alienate myself from others. I am idealistic. I know it is a mix of my own issues of incompatablity which I seek to fix, although the decline of my surroundings is undeniable. I obsess over my state in society as a straight white man. In many ways my attitude is regressing towards that of my 12 year old self, who I wish was acting with the prudence and accountability of someone 8 years his senior terrified of mediocrity. The gaslighting is acute. I focus now more greatly on physical appearance, which seems to be a highly accurate indicator of prosperity. 

Since this Covid period never have I ever focused so much on this physical appearance of mine. Still, I so greatly regret these last 3 years where my aims were shallow. I submit myself to fantasies of reclaiming my manhood. My jaw is crooked and undersized. I'm unable to grow facial hair. There are more problems. I imagine now that this is possible, but I do calculations in my head. If I broaden my jaw 1 mm a year by 30 my face may be close to normal. Bureaucracy is emasculating. The office with no sunlight, filtered air, neurotic women is no place to accumulate strength. I see my coworkers, some of whom making 10 thousand or more days on end frail compared to their profile photos. I view myself as superior to them; I see something that they don't. I'm unwilling to submit, although I've yet to have any skin in the game. 

I had forgotten what it was like to truly sweat. I draw parallels between when my brain fog may have started and habits formed. Freshman year of high school Alex xxxx--now on OF according to my sister--called me out on my BO. I used Dove antipersperant daily since that point. In the entirety of this time I stuffed myself with Aluminum, never sweating as much as I could be. Last summer a kayaking partner of mine, a cowerker of perhaps 50 overwhelmed me in his smell. I thought less of him; I though less of my Lithuanian people who are still lacking in advancement compared to myself. I have such newfound respect for my ancestors and countrymen, who uphold virtues, in some cases still of pagan origin that protect our dignitiy.

I'm hoping for some huge transformation. To be trusted, to trust myself. I fear less now in many ways although the world as I understand it has never been more hostile. I hope to escape a furvor of neurotic self perception, especially in the eyes of the public. I pray--and I do genuinely hope to start praying--that I can find brothers to share glory with. Indeed I do isolate myself from others when I feel we may be incapable of brotherhood. Others I still embarrass myself in front of with my timidity. At age 4 I uttered few words in pre-k perhaps little more than a "thank you" to Ms. Dennon. If my psychology is rather just physiology I can change this. I wonder at what point I made some mistake? I hope I am a vessel for glory to exercise itself. During this same phase of timidity my neurology was intense. I dreaded death as genuinly as over a decade later--in high school junior year I was unable to think of anything else for months. I wonder if at 4 I was able to reconcile this somehow, or if already then I was lost to despair, only to be destracted by some more earthly anxiety. 

 I hope my force is properly directed, as change is growing ever more difficult from biological and social avenues.