Sat Oct 21

I've decided to become a different person. I can be whoever I want to be. I can be happy. There are some biological barriers in my way but not really. Last night I was presented with some hope. Just an ounce of it but more than enough. The world is absurd but I cannot control that. I have been miserable the last few months and that will not continue. This last week I have been more anxious than any point in my life. I am starting to better understand my body's signals. Cold feet, adrenaline, cortisol. I am better understanding my bloodline. Who I have been for thousands of years. What I will become. I did a power pose just now. I meditated for a moment. I think of method actors who become ridiculous caricatures and I choose this option. Dignity is possible for all. It's infectious. I dreamed of beautiful a vietnamese girl last night... incredible. I dream of a boy who is not so cynical. I will be playful. I must become a beacon of joy. If I can maintain my focus in the immediate present and vaguely in the future this is the best choice. Hope. Hope. Hope. My vision will clear up. I will grow physically and mentally. It is not too late yet. I have been bitter far longer than I care to. I look at statistics which become my fate. I look at my ancestors to renounce what I can become, what I yearned to become.