November 19 2023

Fuuuuck I have been totally just rotting away. So screen time it is ridiculous. Just always couped up in the apartment, up to no good. Watching lots of gaming on youtube. Watching movies. On twitter. It's embarrasing really. Now it's 12:30 and I try to go to sleep but I am unable to so I come back to the screen because what else would I do. My memory is still no good. I have some job prospects. I am on track to fail this last course I have left. I have made good strides to be less stressed and anxious. It's possible pregnenolone was no good for me in this regard especially. Joel says there's still hope for BP. Phillips interview went well. Something will work out it seems. Some days I tan in the sun. Maybe I am getting better I am unsure. I am waiting to take thyroid. I attach myself to this helpless thinking of comparing myself to my father, to other lithuanians. I see a lack of accomplishment and it makes me feel like such is my own fate.

I am living in a prison of my own creation. I called Eli and he sounded to be similarly sad. It's like I'm stuck on the medium distance outlook on life which paralyzeses me. Tomorrow I should go on a hike. I remember how fantastic I felt this spring. Reading leave society and taipei. What made me feel that way? Certainly I must be treating my body better now. But I feel worse. Maybe I am misremembering. I don't know. I remember one day I woke up at 6 am towards april or early may and watched joey schawrtz and felt like I was learning so much. Now I feel like I've learned it all and it's useless. Now I'm thinking if I get some job, maybe houston, maybe chicago, will I even have friends? I need to be getting girls. I need to be more attractive. In love with myself. God help me. I want my dreams to be clearer, my brain more plastic. Please. I'm not sure if I could really be fulfilled by this office job. I need to have a sense of influence. Security I'm not sure I even care about. I want to feel like I can take risks. I have so much ego right now... it's no good for me.