Jan 1 2023

Back in Boston. Came back home from Chile and instantly regretted it. Probably the best couple days of the last couple of years were my last few in Chile. Caro came to see me. We met in BA and it was so unexpected for her to say she was flying in. I was Naive. I wasn't ready for her. It was all so much at once. I still can't stop thinking about her. I am now bored in Boston. I swipe on tinder and bumble but everyone is so fat an ugly. I should be in Buenos Aires right now.. the future is there.

I had to leave home a couple days after getting back. The allergies were killing me. It is so stressful being there. I want to kill my father. I think about the times in history when this more or less wouldn't have been an issue... now it is unthinkable. Now I can only run but there is no running. He is always just a text away. I depend on my family financially and it disgusts me. College was a waste of time and money. My health is maybe getting better now but it could've all been so different. I can't believe i got vaccinated. Then I came back from boston for christmas which was a waste of time. I am convinced I can fix at least my sister but she refuses help. I have no good family relations. It is okay with my mother but she doesn't understand me. How nice a brother would have been! 

I look at myself and I'm angry for not having realized sooner how weak I am. I look a stranger in the eyes and I look away rapidly and then fumble, ticcing with my hair and such. I act so gay. Yet I see Dev or Sahir and I think if I am gay everyone else is hyperfaggots. Everyone in the States disgusts me. I wish my father were dead. His existence makes me feel mediocre!

Now I am in boston and tired. I am trying to heal and not stress. Really not sure why I am stressing so much. Probably something to do with the vitamins and hormones I am taking. Still don't know if  I should stop the milk and sugar. Coke makes me feel so good. I was in a really good mood the first boston trip. Time is ticking. 

I just read this:

He believes in the Left Hand Path and that certain individuals would be using dark sexual powers against the current world and also that anyone who rejects "the leveling world of democracy, capitalism, multiracialism and technology in the early 21st century" would find relief amidst the chaos.

No one has really reasonated more with me than Evola, BAP and maybe Caro. 

Still I feel so autistic and there is so much healing to be done. I have tried to make my first batch of reuteri yogurt but think i have failed. I have succeeded mixing creatine and taurine into an apple cider jello i've been making. Small victories I guess. 

I am very antisocial right now. Tomorrow I will go to gym to hopefully seem someone. Maybe I will see Dani even though I dislike being with her. I need to have sex SOON. Hopefully I can try with vyja.

I did not masturbate for basically all of december until the day before yesterday. I was going crazy. I woke up at 3 am and just couldn't stop thinking about it. I can't tell if I am too much in my own head. I think TTFD made me suicidal. Sometimes I feel very ugly and weird which I probably shouldn't. There have been lots of girls but to be honest most of them I didn't really care for. I wish I had slept with girls that I didn't care about. I was too caught up in some gay morality.