11 June 2024

Been eating more salads. Just won the campaign. Took some thyroid. Avoiding fats. Inflammation feels lower. Avoid processed grains. Maybe will start avoiding coffee and milk even more. I can beat this. Maybe i'm not 200 IQ but certainly I should at least have a memory.

I think I feel much less insecure now. I need to be getting physically stronger and more beatiful. I need my mineral balance, especially magnesium to restabilize. My bone development may take a couple more years but it will be great. I think a lot about what Dasha said about how life is so crazy that the only way we can hope to cope is through craziness. Hoping to have a lot of sex and get some good tans in this summer. Don't really feel much pressure right now. I think I'm in a good place.

I need to find a way to be famous or at least have an outlet for violence. I'm okay with living in a car. I realize now maybe the times I write in this blog is a good marker for when my health is best or at least important things are going on. 

Feels really good to be back home except my father is a terrifying suggestion of the mediocrity my biology might be programmed towards. Still my father exhibits much better signs of health than myself mostly in terms his skeletal structure. I hope I've inhereted the best from my mother. He spends so much time on youtube yet loves giving me advice about how to live correctly... I hope I don't end up in the same position. The domestic situation of my family has tremendously affected my politics. The disorder of the house (seen in my sisters demeanor and dog's unrliness, as well as merely the decision making in terms of the dog) is obviously because a lack of masculine leadership. In a way my mother most be something of a transgender which she has admitted more or less herself in that she has to be wearing the pants and leading our clan. I feel she never took seriously enough my health and social needs while focusing on bigger picture "fatherly".

I'm on track to where I want to be but it is without a doubt that some years have been lost on this endeavor of having to figure things out for myself. 

I cannot possibly live, or even be in contact with my family for the long term. There is too much baggage. From USSR and even more immediately of course. I am grateful to have been raised with a mix of anglo influence from my place of primary education and french sensibilities that my mother was lucky to receive in a similar point of her life that I am now going through.

Often I think it is my destiny as a Balt with these Western influence to impart some truths on my coutnrymen how are often so weak. Still I'm not sure how much a logical argument could be better than someone like Big Z.