Over the course of my life it's felt like I've had periods of inspiration followed by lulls. I typically consider these period in terms of my existential emotion, although lately I've been enthralled by the prospect of commodities trading which is certainly professional.
Nevertheless, I'm reminded by the times in my life when I was so spiritual or existential, especially when it's been so long since the last one. I love making my own ideas about the way the world works, whether in terms of human psychology, scientific history, etc. I really do think I came up with this theory based on my own intuition with the teachings that were provided to me in grade school, but its possible that my memory is just failing me. I love the thought that the universe, based on my simple understanding of gravity is pulsing and contracting like a beating heart. For the timeline of the universe to be defined just doesn't entirely make sense to me. 14 billion? What came before? Of course this doesn't answer the matter of what we are expanding into, but it does romanticize everything. How crazy it is to be anything at all as they said in ITAOTS. I still dont completely understand the shape of the universe. Is it spherical? Or is it far flatter than it is wide.
But I can't image everything exists only to be torn apart by dark energy or whatever it is. I understand entropy will come to take us all but that cannot be the end of everything. The dark energy or whatever it is will surely run out and gravity will cause a contraction followed by a big bang. I did see a PBS space time video hinting at this which was almost frustrating as I preferred keeping this beautiful little thought to myself.
But I often scream these little thoughts to deaf ears in the fleeting courting periods I have for friendships or potential relationships. Whether talking to Ha or Simmy it just felt like I was being understood but only a little bit. And then it feels so alienating this human experience. Whether 14 billion years, or just the 100 or so I'll be here, it feels exceptional to be here. Either length of time is too short for that to have been the only time.
Of course the notion that I was born at a special time comes from a very emotional perspective, but I'm not sure how else to think. 9/11 in the cosmic scheme of things is rather insignificant. I try not to think of cosmic events in a human-centric point of view. But but but it is at the turn of the 21st century and with the state of technology and society it feels like we're at the brink of something transcendent. It was awfully odd being hit by the car. The fear of death or being crippled was actually rather fleeting. I can obviously die but I don't know, I feel like my time has yet to come.
In Pre-K, and I'm serious, I remember being fixated on death. Not dying or being killed by something but the thought of not existing. I was terrified and am not sure I ever communicated this to anyone. I'm not sure if this was related to me doing so poorly with sleep. I'm told I would terrorize mom by screaming in the middle of the night from terrors or nightmares at around pre-school age but I don't remember this. I did definitely need mom or grandma to fall asleep, or very particular conditions, lights etc. I remember kipras at SKM saying how he slept with his hands under the blanket but then stopped giving a fuck. My parents were hardly an emotional outlet for me. It feels like just every years energy would pent up to mom. When I was younger if there was conflict in the house she would drive away to the beach unannounced and that certainly left a lasting impression. Whereas with Dad sister set a bad example, although that was not the only place.